This Week In Musings

July 1, 1999

I swear, Ryan. You're gonna find out one day that you were adopted!

"I loved when I said that, in the middle of my argument with you about what meat is better: angus beef or salami." Seth "Definitely NOT a vegetarian" Christenfeld

"Yeah! Twice! AND I found out where that fucking chicken came from! It came from the fucking HOSPITAL CAFETERIA!!! It was so fucking good! I'm fucking gonna say "fucking" in every fucking sentence!" Girkabob

Q: "There's an old saying, "Violence doesn't solve problems." If that's true, then what is war for? It solves tons of problems!" A: "Wars are just for fun. Its like a lifesized game of Risk dude. Be in one. I heard Vietnam was a fuckin blast too. WWII was pretty fun too."

"Like, the kids from Family Circus were superheroes. So I just remember reading the last page, and it was like some big robot thing, and all the kids except Dolly are standing at the doorway and looking at it, and Jeffy was saying something like "This is going to be a monster dip! We could even beat this guy without Dolly!" And then the next panel shows this really big picture of Dolly sitting on the branch of a tree right outside a window in the room that the kids and the robot are in, and she's looking at the reader and saying something to the effect of "That's easy for them to say" with a sort of disgusted look on her face. Oh, and one of her eyes was a lot bigger than the other one." Mike Remiker's dream

"You misplaced your grandma at Cape Cod? I've heard that one of Cape Cod's most lucrative businesses, Krazy Karl's Used Grandma Emporium, has semi-shady dealings with the Cape Cod underworld to smuggle high-quality grandmas out of the country to European countries where grandmas are in short supply. If your grandma was of especially high quality (for example, if she made sugar cookies all the time and spoiled you rotten) then I'd pay Karl a little visit and beat the whereabouts of your grandma out of him." YardGnome

"I *can't* get off! Some jackass welded the restraints into place, and I'm not going anywhere! It's made going to the bathroom really difficult, but I've come up with an enterprising solution: sitting in my own feces. It works quite well, actually." Andrew Wagster on the roller coaster

"Jesus Holy Cow! You look just like I did when I was twelve! That's pretty messed up, man. You better start pressing your face against truck stop grills so that people could tell us apart." Ken

"So... here's my dream... I was sitting at my kitchen table, when i heard a knock at the door, so, i got up, and opened it. and guess who I saw....

IT WAS PEE-MOTHERFUCKIN-WEE HERMAN!!! And he had one of these huge checks that said "A Hundred Gamillion dollars" he said in his Pee-Wee voice "Hah Hah! You've won a Hundred Gamillion dollars!!! And on top of that, we've thrown in a helicopter, a Dodge Viper, and Evrey single CD ever made!!!!

All of a sudden I was lying in bed with a smile on my face thinking "Boy! I can't wait to ride in my helicopter!!! Oh Shit!!! I gotta listen to one of the new CD's I've won!!!! but when I looked at my CD rack, there were no new CD's. so i thought. Aw shit. It was just a dream... 5 minutes later i shot straight out of my bed, and looked out the window, and was overcome with disappointment, as i said, "Ah shit! this means i didn't get my helicopter either" The Mean Geoff

"I hated the Choir kids in high school. They made me emcee one of their Talent Shows because "you're funny!" But then they wrote the worst script ever (complete with Princess Di jokes and sad, sad gags ripped off from many popular movies), so I was forced to make up my own script the night of the show, and then quit at Intermission, forcing some young Choir girl to nervously take my place for the end of the show. " Mike Remiker

"Your emcee duty amuses me. For some reason it reminds me of my great turn upon the high school stage, where I presented an experimental art play in French. I wore all black (with wrap-around sunglasses), gelled my hair into a wild sculpture, and presented dialogue like: 'I am the enraged shower-door, covered with bubbles!' Meanwhile, the supporting players (dressed similarly, but carrying props like shovels and purses to indicate their symbolic roles as 'Worker' and 'Mother') shouted things like 'We must work, for work is beauty in this dark night,' and 'You are not the man your father was.' It was great. Greeted by stunned silence, followed by a smattering of tentative applause. I was told I looked 'incredibly gay'." The Fat Man

"As the piece went on, the monkey did such hilarious things as steal some bananas off the coffee table and give the husband bunny ears. At this point, more characters entered, including an 18th century bootblack, and Jimmy Sparkles (played by me), a mildly reatrded grown man who wears all white, always speaks through a megaphone, and (at the time of the scene) had just gotten back from seeing the Olympic games in Atlanta. ... Oh, and the final night, my friend Corey and I added a part where we each grabbed a huge-ass flag off of one side of the stage (he took the American flag and I took the state flag), and we ran back and forth across the stage yelling "put your hands together, Wisconsin!" Mike Remiker

"Luckily, the default leader of all the singing kids, a boy named Eric, slept with the boyfriend of his friend, a girl named Robyn. The mini-scandal demoralized them very nicely. And we all had a nice little victory as Eric confirmed what all of us had suspected, that you couldn't be a male and aspire towards Broadway without being gay." Chris Lough's high school soap opera

"1) In the Herald Tribune today, in the Sports section, there was an article that talked about European Basketball forward...Gregor Fucka. No joke." Skippy. Damn, that beats me. The best hockey name I've known is Miroslav Satan. You've one-upped me, Skippy! *proceeds to swordfight*