This Week In Musings

April 16, 1999

"It's just my opinion, but the movie looks lame... kinda cheesy. maybe i'm wrong... maybe i'm right... maybe i smoke too much PCP..." Jeff Nedzeekideko

"...so, I was tooling around in the DeLorean, waiting for Doc to show up, when that stupid-ass monkey spilled his Slurpee all over the time-changing whatchamacallit, and I've been catapulted 1000 years into the future ... TV has been outlawed these days, so only outlaws own TVs, and the waiting list to become an outlaw is staggeringly long." Doug3000

"me and nelson mandela waltz through a field of corn hand in hand - sunk in our own thoughts as our fingers mingle, lost to the brown ashes and the gentle breath of air through cornstalks. it is the right time of morning. we feel sly. i am the strepthroat princess and he - he is the ringleader in a circus of animal crackers. together, we advance with boundless youthful lust, delirious and tense as we taste the sweet stiffness of the crop body against our arms and stomachs. me and nelson mandela wonder how such sanctity could be transformed into high fructose syrup. into feed to feed the pigs to feed the swine. into an essential part of a well-balanced breakfast: a bowl of cornflakes to help stay perky and alert. to suppress any devious sexual urges or unclean notions. me and nelson mandela dont like cornflakes. persisting, we come upon a scarecrow grinning in the sun. i decapitate his stupidly gloating head and chew off his eyes. then i steal his hat and wear it as my own. nelson mandela sodomizes many of the scarecrow's strawfilled cavities and i watch, amused. it is all very gleeful. leaving the mangled corpse of the raped scarecrow in our wake, me and nelson mandela frolic forth beneath the benevolent gaze of the smiling iowa sun. in approximately four hundred yards, the two of us pause and disembowel ourselves in unison. the blood and the corn look very pretty together. i feel cuddled by a pleasant warmth." spiraling shape

"Odd! At my school, which is about 20 miles from New BERlin, everyone calls it New BerLIN, and they think it's odd when the three kids from New BERlin call it New BERlin, but then again, I have herpes." Nick Christianson

"Pleeeeeeease? I'll study hard and try my best to be cute. Be early for my cute lessons and everything! I'll be a good boy! Why, I'll change his litter boxe every single day and feed 'im too. You don't have to worry about a thing. I'll take care of all that vaccination and spaying stuff. So please, Deb, Mike, can I have a kitty, please? Pretty please?" Chris Lough

"No offense, but you're 14- how eclectic could it be? You haven't had the time to build a library of eclectic material. Perhaps your statement ought to have been 'just be prepared for a mixed tape heavy with the flavor of alterna-rock as championed by college radio DJs everywhere'. " The Fat Man on Skippy.

"Nemo is sitting in the terminal, at the gate, enjoying a nice Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Then one of those little airport carts comes by, with a stretch on the back. It stops, and two men in white jackets pick the stretcher off the cart and hold him upright. Chris is there strapped right on there with a muzzle, his arms all bound up around his waist. One of the men says, "Miss, he says he's here to meet you?" Nemo looks up from her newspaper and suddenly jumps at the sight. She looks closely at him and says, "Are you Chris?" Chris glares right back at her, breathing heavily, pauses for a few seconds and says in a growling tone, "Yes, Nemo....::breath, breath:: I'm here to say HELLO to you...."" Me. I liked that one too much.

"In order to get in to TWIM this week, I am posting old stuff I wrote. Why? Because my material is very lacking of anything lately....The Bored Guy (TBG will fall asleep, 'cause he gets bored. Then the group will use him as a battering ram, and he'll die)....Michelle LeBlanc leads the revolt against Crazy and Crazy is brutally murdered with balloon animals. Subsequently, Eric leaves and turns to drugs. It is at this point that Seth says, "I know it all. 'New York, New York.' I didn't write that. See, I know it all." Seth is then killed by the ghost of Crazy for "not helping me not getting not helped for not not being killed." Then Seth and Crazy pour poison on Aunt Ida Ho." John Nicholas. I Think You're So Cool, John Nicholas!

"If you are a sweet, affectionate, caring, creative and passionate GIRL with parents who feel that LOVE is GOOD and that everyone should be allowed to TOUCH if they think they're old enough, then we are for each other! ..... My parents will pay for everything for you because while they have meaningless and minimum wage jobs, they somehow make 100,000 a year. My dad tells me that love at this age is a beautiful and natural thing. According to local law enforcement officials, my dad is also "a repeat sexual offender"......."I will buy you GIFTS and NICE THINGS and pay for your COLLEGE. My parents will give ME all this MONEY because I live in a FANTASY WORLD."" Chris Lough